As you read the title, you’re probably thinking this pertains to marriage — quite the contrary actually. I have told this story a few times as the topic came up, but never in a solitary setting, or “blog” if you will…or at least not that I can remember. Fair warning, this is a story I wish I could make up. The names & events are true & although I’ll try to keep it short, nothing is spared. If you know me, you know I have no issue sharing things that aren’t too personal.
Anyway, a bit of back story — I met this girl, Jocelyn, quite some time ago & things started off as a “friends with benefits” situation. Jocelyn was a gorgeous Colombian chick with the body of a goddess. If I had to compare, I’d say she had the face of a younger Salma Hayek with the build of Vida Guerra in her prime. We met through a mutual female friend I worked with at the time. She would come up to the job on occasion to take said friend to lunch & we would always catch eyes & smile at each other. Since they would always be together, I figured they were “together”, so I never really spoke outside of being cordial. One day I would find this wasn’t the case.
As I was wrapping up a call (I worked at a call center), Emilie (the mutual friend) walked over to me & presented me with two cupcakes & explained to me that Jocelyn made them for me & that she wanted to fuck me. I thought she was joking until she showed me the text thread between them with Jocelyn asking if Em had told me yet. I was kinda excited to be honest. Em gave me Jocelyn’s number & I texted her almost immediately. Fuck the whole “wait x amount of time” shit — I was now intrigued. Jocelyn responded asking if I was free that Saturday & when I said I was, she sent her address & told me to bring wine.
I went, & we had a great time…multiple times. Fast forward about 4 months & we started dating. She was a great girl — funny, smart, loved video games & she could cook her ass off. I met her parents when they came to NYC from Rhode Island & she seemed to come from a good background. Her father was loaded & he actually offered me a job after dinner. I told him I would think about it. Keep this in mind. It’s somewhat important.
My birthday was nearby & Jocelyn had come up to the job to see Em & they, along with another female coworker went to lunch. When they came back, the other coworker stopped by my cubicle telling me how much she liked Jocelyn & somewhere in the conversation, I found out that her father owned the shop downtown where I had gotten fitted for a suit before.
Fast forward to my birthday — Jocelyn, Em, myself & the other coworker (I forget her name) had all went to Dave & Buster’s in the city. They had each gotten me gifts. The coworker got me a dress shirt from her father’s shop & Jocelyn had gotten me a tie (I collect ties…it’s weird) to match, cufflinks, a tie clip & dress shoes. We all ate, drank, played a few games & went home.
These birthday items sat in the closet for quite some time until around Jocelyn’s parents’ anniversary dinner. They had arrived in NYC & we were to meet them in the city. I was ironing my clothes waiting for Jocelyn to get out of the shower. When she was out, I stepped in, showered & as I was coming out, I smelled something burning. I rushed out of the bathroom to find the dress shirt on fire, even though I clearly remember unplugging the iron. As I’m in the kitchen dousing the shirt in water, Jocelyn runs into the bathroom & locks the door, immediately followed by numerous toilet flushes.
Confused as fuck, I knock on the door several times asking if she’s ok & for her to open the door. After a few moments of silence, she opens the door & throws my jeans at me. My wallet falls out of the pocket & I notice it was empty. This crazy bitch flushed EVERYTHING, including the money order for my rent, my cash & my paycheck…down the fucking toilet. We argued & for whatever reason, I decided we were still going to dinner. Partly because I now had no fucking money & hadn’t went food shopping yet.
At dinner we sat at opposite ends of the table & her father asked what the beef was about. When I explained he sighed & wrote me a check for $3,000 to cover what I lost. Even though I had a taste of her crazy side & the whole shit started because she swore I was fucking the girl that got me the shirt & how disrespectful it was of me to want to wear it to her parents’ dinner (even though SHE GAVE her my shirt size AND helped her pick the shit out, therefore being a gotdamn accomplice to the gift…)…we didn’t break up.
Sometime after, she accused me yet again of fucking some girl I didn’t even really know & we broke up. I decided the argument was stupid as shit, so I invited her to spend the night so we could talk. I cooked, she brought alcohol…we hashed our shit out, watched a movie & fell asleep on the couch.
I woke up & she was cleaning the kitchen. She kissed me “good morning”, I made myself a bowl of cereal & sat down at the table to watch some TV. The door buzzed so I went downstairs — my package from Amazon had arrived. I came back up & sat back at the table. There was an extremely strong smell of bleach but I didn’t think shit of it because well, she was cleaning.
The moment I grabbed a spoon full of cereal to dump into my mouth, she smacked the spoon from my hand & the bowl from the table. I lost my shit asking what the fuck her problem was, & that’s when she told me she poured bleach in my cereal. There was no way in fuck she was serious, right? I picked the bowl up & sure enough…it smelled like bleach. At this point, I was so furious, the only thing I could do was to tell her to gather her shit & get the fuck out. It was over.
But wait. There’s more…