That’s My Fucking Problem

Shit…I haven’t been here for a while.  A few months ago, I aptly decided “fuck writing — nobody reads this shit anyway”, but I guess I was wrong.  Someone actually emailed me asking why my shit’s being neglected & it caught me off-guard, so I never answered.  My fucking problem is, I think to much.  I know a lot of people say this, but I really think entirely too much.

My mind jaunts at 400mph.  All day.  Everyday.  Some thoughts are extended, others short lived.  Thinking before acting is natural to me & I can play out a scenario in my head 30 different ways before making a decision.  I’m not easily distracted but I get bored if I focus on one thing for too long because I start to doubt myself.  That’s also my fucking problem.

So who am I to give advice & speak my mind on the perils of others?  Again, when you have the unwanted gift of constant brain activity & the ability to see shit more than one way, predictions exist.  If I could figure out how to use this shit to my own benefit, like counting cards or guessing lottery numbers, I’d say fuck you, fuck this blog, fuck the internet & fuck social media.

…kidding.

I’m back though.

More serious shit later.

“The Threesome”

For anyone who’s ever participated in one…you’ll know it’s a lot of work.  Don’t ask me shit.  I’m declining comments at this time.  This was a dream by the way & nothing was altered…

 

It started with me walking into a bar.   It’s Friday night, dim lighting.  Not exactly empty but one wouldn’t call it a lively atmosphere.  There’s a few people dancing to Usher’s “Yeah” track, which seemingly makes this place even more obscure, but it’s the closest spot to my job.  I’m stressed and could use a drink — my only real reason for even walking into this shithole.  I’m scanning the crowd, noticing different scenarios like the dickhead trying to dance on a chick who’s visibly ignoring him…yet he insists on attempting.  There’s also a group of four college students fist-pumping and being completely belligerent, but hey, at least they’re having fun.  Several other people are occupying this place including the older gentleman next to me in a tweed jacket and derby who has yet to take his eyes away from his iPhone to drink his beer.  I decide to sit in the middle of the three seats available.  The bartender approaches and takes my drink order.  As she walks away I happen to look at her ass and give the “not bad” face in acceptance.  What…?  It’s a habit.  As she places my drink in front of me, two women approach the bar on my right.  One blonde, one brunette.  At this point I’m focused on the Knicks and Nets game.  Knicks are up by 3 with Chandler at the free throw line.  The blonde asks if anyone’s sitting in the chair beside me and I nod to deny.  As I’m getting up to let the brunette have my seat, she walks around and grabs the chair on the other side of me and sits directly behind the blonde, pretty much blocking part of the aisle.  “You didn’t have to do that…I was gonna give you my seat” I said.  She said it was fine and that I looked really into the game so she didn’t want to disturb me.  Fair enough.  The blonde introduced herself as Madison, and the brunette as Taylor.  The bartender came with their drinks and Madison started to explain to me that they had just bought a house together so they were out relaxing after unpacking the final few boxes. Turns out they moved a few blocks away from me, so they asked questions about the area. 

Conversation ensued for a couple of hours and the drinks kept coming.  Madison was in the middle of telling me about the job she accepted when she seamlessly placed her hand on my leg.  I looked at her hand, then back at her — her hand didn’t move.  She kept talking and I noticed Taylor wasn’t making much conversation so I asked what she did for a living.  As she was answering, the bartender rang the bell for last call.  She stopped mid-sentence and looked at Madison.  I explained to them that given this side of the city is mostly a college area, the bars generally close at 2am on weekdays.  Taylor mentioned she enjoyed the conversation and I agreed as I stood up to put my hoody on.  Madison asked where I had planned on going after leaving.  At this point I knew to choose my next few sentences very carefully.  “I don’t really have any plans.  Wherever there’s alcohol I suppose”.  Madison then suggested I come check out their new place and added they have a couple of bottles but nothing fancy.  I agreed to follow them and we left the bar.

We arrived at the house and Madison went inside first.  I helped Taylor carry a container of clothes inside from the car, and she mentioned she was going to change clothes, telling me I could check the place out if i wanted.  I glanced around at the paintings on the wall as well as the clay objects on the end tables.  Madison came downstairs in a tank top with no bra and pajama pants.  The clothes she wore previously did not hint that her body was this nice.  I slyly bit my lip imagining her naked, but was interrupted by her asking if I would like a drink.  She poured a glass of rum and coke for me, apologizing if it was strong.  It definitely was.  She laughed at the face I made and Taylor appeared in the kitchen, practically wearing the same exact thing.  At this point I felt overdressed but comfortable.  Watching their cheerleader-esque body language as they talked about some random occurrence from their trip, my mind began to wander.  Taylor suggested we move the party upstairs since she left the radio on.  Before I could say anything, Madison grabbed my glass and Taylor grabbed my hand.  Looks like we’re headed upstairs then…

I sat in the computer chair facing them on the bed.  Madison started dancing around to the music while Taylor suggested we play a game — Truth or Strip.  It had become quite obvious to me who the aggressor of the two was.  She explained the rules — one person makes a statement about themselves and the person after them has to decide whether it’s true or not.  If it’s true and guessed wrong, the person guessing removes an item of clothing.  If it’s false and guessed correctly, the person that lied takes something off.  [NOTE:  I came up with the idea for this shit in high school.  Don't steal my game bro, i'm serious.]  After three rounds and a mixture of answers, I was down to my boxers and they both had only removed their pajama pants.  Clearly I was fucking losing.  With one statement left, I decided to make it count.  “I’m going to fuck both of you at the same time…”

They looked at each other for a moment, then looked back at me.  Madison stood up at took her shirt off, exposing her perfectly perky tits.  Taylor walked over to me slowly and grabbed my hand, rubbing my fingers across her soaking wet pussy through her panties.  Madison followed suit and reached inside of my boxers, pulling my dick out before slowly stroking it in her hands.  I stood up and grabbed Taylor by her ass, pulling her closer to me.  As I bit her bottom lip, she pulled my dick away from Madison, jerking me off to make sure I was nice and hard.  Madison grabbed me by the neck and stuck her tongue in my mouth.  I started to push Taylor down by her shoulder, hinting that I wanted her on her knees.  She obliged and began to trace my throbbing hard dick around her lips before taking me completely into her mouth.  Madison fingered herself for a moment then stuck her fingers in my mouth whispering “I want you to taste me baby” in my ear.  I helped her take her panties off then spread her pussy lips open with my fingers, rubbing her clit until her knees began to buckle.  She pulled Taylor’s hair for leverage as Taylor began viciously sucking the life out of me.  I stopped her before I was about to completely blow and slapped my dick on her tongue.  They each grabbed an arm and led me to the bed.

Taylor laid down first.  I spread her legs open and started kissing her inner thighs.  I could feel the heat from her throbbing pussy as I worked my way up to it.  I licked her shaved box thoroughly, sucking her lips as her body jerked in response.  The way she sucked me moments before, she deserved it as well as what I had in store for her soon.  Madison laid beside Taylor in opposite direction, taking my dick down her throat as she wrapped her legs around Taylor’s head.  Taylor complied by eating her, and the moans from her vocal chords vibrated my shaft, making me even harder than I already was.  I wanted to fuck them both so badly that I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I grabbed Madison by her hair and slowly led her to where my face was previously.  She picked up where I left off by ravaging Taylor’s pussy with her tongue.  I lifted Madison’s ass up to the height of my stomach and slowly slid my dick all the way inside of her.  She was extremely tight and very wet, gripping every inch of me as I began long strokes to build rhythm.  Within seconds she started to cum, and her pussy creamed as I fucked her harder.  Taylor let out screams of pleasure as she squirted from Madison rubbing her clit.  I gripped Madison’s hip and smacked her round ass as I continued pounding her.  She too began screaming, begging me to never stop fucking her.  She came violently, giving her entire body the shakes as she collapsed on the bed.  Taylor crawled her way over to me, stroking my dick and biting my bottom lip.  I kissed her as I played with her pussy in response, making sure she was well lubricated and prepared to take every inch of me.

I laid on my back as Taylor crawled over and began sucking me off again.  Madison, still shaking from before, climbed on top of my face, and I began to eat her pussy with just as much force to remind her who she was fucking with.  Taylor wrapped herself around my thighs and slid my dick inside of her, riding me reverse cowgirl.  She felt so good, I could barely take it.  I began fucking Madison with my tongue and taking control of Taylor by thrusting myself into her.  Madison came all over me and I could feel the build-up rising while still fucking the life out of Taylor.  Taylor’s body buckled into submission as I slid myself from under her.  Madison joined Taylor laying at the edge of the bed, and I exploded all over them both.  I too, lost my balance and collapsed between them.  They continued to stroke me as I rubbed Madison’s thigh and ran my fingers through Taylor’s hair.

 

…then I woke up, very pissed off.

Why You Can’t Find Love Pt. 1

Fall is here.  This means many different things to different people.  Some of you are looking forward to spending nights snuggled up with someone, watching sports or your favorite shows…whether it be on the couch with the fireplace going, or under a comforter spooning perhaps.  Activities like these make you appreciate the person you’re with or have a distinctive type of relationship with (fuck buddies included) because that person makes you feel like you’re needed…like someone wants you to be around.  On the other hand, there are the many without — and for many reasons which we’ll jump right into.

 
Women - You seem to be the harshest of the two genders.  Let’s say you go out, you’re dressed nicely of course.  Your hair and nails are on point, shoe game is stupid.  Nice heels by the way.  You’re in your own world, feeling free and having a good time, whether it’s just out shopping or at the club with your girls.  Whatever the case may be.  Anyway, 8 times out of 10 you’re gonna catch someone’s eye.  However it never seems to be the eye you particularly want to catch.  I’ll give you an example.  You’re at the bar, sitting by yourself while your friends are dancing (remember, this is just an example.  I know you women dance together for no fucking reason at all other than to be looked at…), enjoying your drink when a man approaches.  “Excuse me miss, can I buy you a drink?”.  This conversation starter will go one of two ways.  1) You’ll accept the offer and give him enough conversation to warrant the $10 he just spent.  2) You’ll make up some excuse because you don’t want to be bothered.

Before we proceed, let me tell you about the guy that just approached you.  He’s decently dressed — nothing fancy but nothing bummy.  He’s decent looking — not extremely attractive but he’s no Seal (let’s face it, THAT nigga is ugly).  That’s all you have to go on for now.

In continuance, let’s just say you accept the drink.  He sits down and sparks slight conversation.  He asks you about yourself, tells a little about himself.  He seems ok, actually.  Your girls come back and interrupt — they want to go somewhere else.  He asks for your number.  You decline because “you don’t talk to men you meet in bars/clubs”.  This is probably the most retarded reason I’ve ever heard in my life.  That may not even be your real reason, but it’s widely used.  Let me tell you why you REALLY didn’t give him your number:

You’re stuck on your past.  Men who you were highly attracted to, whom of course other women turned out to be highly attracted to as well.  You see, whenever two highly attractive people are interested in each other, shit always goes south.  Why?  Because there are a million beautiful faces out there, and with attractive features comes a certain attitude.  You know men want you, for whatever reason.  You’ve had comments made on your physical features or about how gorgeous you are.  So now you either think every dude wants to smash, or you feel every dude isn’t worth your time, which in fact is relevant, but you have no idea how to distinguish them from genuine men.  Usually highly attractive women have a current ex who was also highly attractive and said ex did them wrong in some fashion.  So now you’re thinking to yourself how you’ve been stripped down after you let someone in.  You’re fucking beautiful and any man is lucky to have you…how dare he?  Fuck him.  Fuck men in general, right?  You’re good.  You don’t need anyone.  Well — not until loneliness sets in.  And let’s face it, it sets in for EVERYONE.  You’re no different, no matter what wall you attempt to put up for the public.

Back to the guy you didn’t give your number to.  He could’ve been the one.  However, you didn’t give him a chance for shit.  Maybe because he wasn’t attractive enough.  Maybe because he wasn’t interesting enough upon first conversation.  You really don’t know anything about this man except the fact that he tried to get at you and you shut him down.  Now you’re at home, on Twitter or Facebook, possibly even Instagram, and you’re making absurd comments that just scream how lonely you really are, whether that was your intention or not.  The general public sees it, but somehow you don’t.  You’re still convinced you’re good.  These comments are bringing you enough attention to let you know that there are still men out there who would love to be with you, and for some reason that’s satisfying enough, until next week when the process starts all over again.

You’re practically making yourself even more lonely whether you realize it or not.  The small blurbs about your ex during topics of conversation, telling the world what you need/want in a man but don’t recognize it when you see it, hell…even posting pictures of yourself everyday that you know someone will comment on.

This is exactly why the fuck, you can’t find love.  Because you’re not opening yourself for it.  You may get hurt once or twice, or find out the person you thought was for you wasn’t, but you have to remember there’s millions of people in the world and we’re not all the same.

Make better choices and stop being so superficial.  Your fake happiness being alone shows and wolves know sheep when they see them.  Give the underdog a chance.  You just may be surprised at the results.

Pt. 2 for the men tomorrow.

- Hype / @_maliante

Lust Issues Pt. 2

With Pt. 1, I gave men a couple of suggestions to continue the spark of lust in their relationships.  In the same regard, women are equally responsible for keeping the flame alive and making things as pleasurable as possible.  It seems much easier for women to keep things flowing sexually, but for those of you who have run out of ideas or just want a different outlook, I have something for you to try as well…

Romanticism is everything.  Keep this in mind ladies.  No matter how rough the exterior of a man may seem, we too like to know that we have someone who cares for us as much as we do them.  Tell him shit to assure him that there is no one else in the world for you.  Go out of your way to do things to make him happy.  If you live together, or spend nights sleeping in the same bed, try arching your ass into his stomach.  Spooning brings about a great deal of lust in us.  Do little cute shit like taking control of his dinner by picking up the fork and feeding him.  Be playful and submissive.  Wrestling is also a great way to get things going.  There’s no way you could possibly fumble with any of these.

Release your inner freak.  Each one of you have it in you, whether you realize it or not.  Wear something sexy, not only for him but for yourself.  Make him realize what he has by walking in front of him in next to nothing while the game is on.  Of course I wouldn’t suggest this while his team is losing, but if you’re adventurous enough, try it.  He may very well fuck the anger away.  What you decide to slip on is completely up to you, however anything see-through is a guaranteed trigger.  Sure, you could just walk by naked, but there is more fun in ripping whatever you’re wearing off and laying you down like a savage.  Roleplaying is also another great tool.  Be someone outside of your element.  If you’re the quiet/shy girl, play the sexy “bitch” type.  Talk as dirty as possible.  Be a complete slut for him by all means.  You won’t regret it, and if you’re not getting fucked whenever you want already, you definitely will from now on.  If not?  My number is 347-6…just kidding.

- Hype (@_maliante)

Lust Issues Pt. 1

Being the observant person I am, I tend to notice things about women that most men don’t.  Usually the cause of prevalent issues in a relationship is the lack of lust between two people.  The spark is gone.

At the very beginning when everything is brand new, lust is heavy.  You can’t keep your hands off of each other and seemingly the sex is great due to the physical aspect — everything your significant other does turns you on — the way they walk, they way they look at you, how they look in certain articles of clothing…amongst other things.  For some, this attraction diffuses over comfort in a few months.  There’s no trying anymore to keep things fresh.  One or both people may become lazy and sex becomes a task instead of a want.  There are ways to change/prevent this and keep your relationship lusty at all times:

For the male: try something simple for starters, like touching her a certain way in public with people around.  Nothing extremely perverted, just light touches.  There are certain “hot” spots on a woman’s body that activate her hormones and make her more receptive to your advances:  the side of her face, her neck & her thigh to name a few.  While not always sexual spots, they do draw her attention to you in almost a hypnotic state when used correctly.  Try something simple like holding the back of her head, using her thumb to brush the side of her cheek and looking directly into her eyes when you tell her you love her, or something else that will make her smile.  Watch how she melts like butter under a hot knife.

If you’re going for the more sexual approach, spontaneous groping and vigorous kissing will ignite her vagina and she will not be able to take fucking you off of her mind.  For instance, if you’re in an elevator, as soon as the door closes, press the button for the top floor and turn your attention away from her.  As soon as the elevator moves, unexpectedly press her into the corner with swift authoritative movement, press your body against hers and bite her bottom lip while you’re rubbing your fingers across her wet spot.  Be sure to count the floors to yourself as the elevator moves and wait until two or three floors before the final floor before stopping.  Remember to say absolutely nothing during the course of this action, no matter what she says in the process.  Your only reply should be a direct look in her eyes & a smile.  Proceed to press the button for your floor and continue about whatever it was you two were supposed to be doing.  While she may not exhibit such behavior during the time you’re still in that building, there is a guarantee her panties are soaking wet and the only thought constantly racing through her mind is the anticipation of having you inside of her at the first chance given.

Pt. 2 for the ladies coming tomorrow.

- Hype  (@_maliante)

Book Excerpt (sample)

Still untitled.  A few ideas roaming around in my head but nothing set.  It’s pretty much an “autobiographical fiction” — some shit is true, some shit isn’t…however I generally leave it up to the reader to figure it out for themselves.  Anyway, here…

 

 

My alarm clock rang excessively loud as I waved my arm around trying to locate it on the nightstand I could’ve sworn was about a foot or so away.  Of course I’m not fucking facing the thing so my judgment was way off.  Face still buried in the pillow, I just swiped at whatever proximity I figured the cord extended to the wall.  Success.  The clock landed on the other side of the room, which awkwardly enough, the sound of it bouncing on the floor coerced me to finally wake up completely.  Fuck – I just needed maybe five more minutes of sound sleep and I would’ve been cool.  That’s how it always seems, no?  “Just five more minutes” – as if anyone really wants to just lay there for exactly five more minutes before magically springing to life and preparing for the bullshit day ahead.  Or maybe I’m just pessimistic?  Crawling out of bed like a five year old, I managed to open my eyes just slightly enough to adjust to the surrounding light.  I staggered into the bathroom to take a well deserved piss, and while looking into the mirror above the toilet my vision began to correct itself.  That’s when I noticed the black eye. 

Wait — why the fuck do I have a black eye?  Becoming more concerned with my newfound makeup, I completely ignored the fact that I was still pissing and began examining my face, in turn pissing all over the toilet and floor.  This is obviously not my morning.  However, back to my original question – why the fuck do I have a black eye?  I flushed the toilet as if the majority of man-stream had made it there in the first place and found a towel to wipe the remaining percentage off the floor.  Walking back to my room to search for my phone, I started to make a mental list of the people I remember being with the night before: Cory showed up with his chick around 9:30pm, followed shortly by Justin, Lena, then Arianna around 11pm.  The last thing I recall is taking a ridiculous amount of shots and talking to Arianna’s friend with the huge tits.  I can’t remember her name at the moment so I’ll just refer to her as “Cups”.  I had seen Cups around a few times in various bars with some Asian chick, so I assumed they were lesbians and never bothered to speak to her.  She always looked disinterested whenever any guy approached her, and I personally don’t have time for snobbish attitudes so it just never seemed worth my time.  Turns out she had noticed me as well and wondered why I never offered my conversational services.  Thus began what seemed like an interesting encounter, and at some point during, I’m almost certain the shots caused me to black out.  Fuck all that noise however, back to this black eye business.  I decided to ring Justin first since he’s the only sobriety freak out of the entire collective.  Actually I should mention he only drinks at home “because he likes to be in control of his surroundings” or some sissy shit like that.  Seriously, who goes to bars and doesn’t drink unless they’re the designated driver?  It became apparent that Justin meant to ignore my call because I could hear a female moaning in the background and him asking “you like that shit baby?” a few times.  I then realized I had been listening for all of three minutes before feeling rather disgusted with myself and hanging up.

Understanding Men’s Emotions And Thoughts Pt. 1

Ladies, ladies, ladies…

The amount of time you spend trying to figure us out is becoming ridiculous.  You even make up your own stereotypes and assumptions that are way off base but make sense in the world of women.  What you think you know about us tends to be false 90% of the time, which is why we’re always grouped into certain “ain’t shit” categories.

Do you really want some insight into the male mind?  Let me help you out a bit.

We say what we mean unless sex is involved.  There’s not usually any underlying meaning or hidden message in our words.  If you ask us what we want for dinner, and we say “it’s up to you”, then that’s exactly what we mean.  Make the gotdamn decision.  It doesn’t mean the same thing it means in Woman Land.  There’s no scheme or plot to it.  Pick a fucking dish and that’s what we’ll have for dinner.  On the negative end, if you have suspicions of something and ask us about it…take us at our word for it unless you have complete reason to believe otherwise.  Of course this is subject to debate and doesn’t apply to everyone, but we’re talking about the average sensible guy here.

Men fall in love.  This is fact.  Sure, most of the time…ok, damn near 90% of the time men think about sex.  We all know this.  However, we do fall in love.  It’s not difficult, but getting a man to fall in love with you CAN be if you go about it the wrong way.  Most of you use your vagina, whether it be throwing it at us or withholding it.  That’s not gonna give you any type of advantage whatsoever.  You throwing the vagina at us is great, but throw something else in to sweeten the pot as well.  Pick up on some of our hobbies — sit your punk ass down and ask us what’s good with a game of Madden/NBA2k.  Invite us out to eat at our favorite spot…call and say you’re on the way with beer and an action flick.  This shit works wonders in your favor.  For slow niggas it might not kick in for a month or two, but I guarantee you once you’re seen as the cool chick that we can kick it with AND sex is included?  You’ll be wifey in no time.  But if you’re interested and withholding the butt while wondering why we don’t chill like we used to, you’ve pretty much answered your own question.  Sure it sounds fucked up, but once you think about it, the time we invest to get your attention in addition to the efforts multiplied by the amount of women our there that are already privy to this information, it’s a no win situation for you.  We like you, no doubt, but you’ve already made yourself clear as to how things will go, so we’ve already adjusted to fit the path.  There’s no such thing as giving up the sex too early/too easy unless you’re dealing with a clown type dude that still plays childish high school games and/or wants to smash every chick he comes in contact with…so relax.

We’re simple creatures, really.  There’s several ways to keep us happy.  Nagging is not one of them.  We prefer to move at our own pace…most of you don’t understand this.  We don’t need to see each other everyday, or talk every hour on the hour.  Give us some breathing room.  I personally enjoy my alone time — nothing like it in the world.  I’ll chill at home some nights drinking a cold one and watching a movie or the game, whichever happens to be prevalent at the time.  A lot of times i’ll turn my ringer off, or leave my phone in my room to charge.  So when you’ve texted about 30 times and I finally respond once I’m coming off my self-contained high, the very…fucking…last thing I want to see from you is “about time” or “…3 hours later…”, or anything that denotes how long it took me to answer you.  HUGE pet peeve.  Remember, we don’t HAVE to respond to shit.  Just continue the conversation where it left off and everything will be fine.  The last thing we want is when things are going well, you get into your womanly ways and give us shit because we don’t do what you want us to when you want.  It really is that simple.  We’re inclined to like you more if you’re chill and we don’t feel like dealing with you is a chore.  Keep that in mind.

Of course there are many other things to consider, but these are prime examples that many women overlook.  Maybe we’ll take this as a part 1 and I’ll enlighten you yet again when I feel you’ve got the basics down.

- Hype